Screen Play

I saw Faith No More in concert back in the early 90s (I know — brag). It was in support of The Real Thing (the one with “Epic“)(Though I was more of an Angel Dust guy).

Anyhoo, during the show, lead singer Mike Patton would ask the audience “Are you being good? ‘Cuz when you’re good, you get stuff.”

It was a schtick I’m sure he did every night because if you were good, the stuff you got was an encore. But it was a line that stuck with me and actually I used as a parent. Sure, it’s simplistic, but it’s also super practical advice for a young person because it’s true. When you’re good, you do get stuff.

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I suppose we should start with the penis options.

Wait! Before you rush to hit the unsubscribe button, this isn’t some cheap, hacky ploy to get, well, I don’t know what that would get actually.

But there is an actual setting in the just-released Cyberpunk 2077 game to, uhhh, adjust your junk, as it were. There, alongside hair style, eye color and teeth is the option to pick your… penis. And the game leaves nothing to the imagination. It’s all right there.

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Cut it Out

I’ve been a writer by trade for decades. Journalism. Screenplays. Comic books. Marketing copy. I’ve written just about everything, struggling and straining to come up with the exact sequence of words that will, uhhh… do… something, something.

Anyway, I bring it up because even though I am familiar with the intense pain videogame writers go through when crafting intricately plotted narratives — I will not hesitate to skip a cut scene. As soon as the action stops and some high priestess starts in on a backstory about an alien spaceship crashing millennia ago, I hammer away at the circle button like I’m working morse code on a sinking ship. Get me outta there.

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